[January Jumpstart 2023] – Touched all over

So for the final day of January Jumpstart 2023 I end the month, the blog and for me personally on a high note.

I wrote about my love of touch here and said in it “In 2023 I would love to get more touch in my life”.
I also said “I’m not sure how this will work out but I can only hope it happens.”

When I wrote that post I really wasn’t sure when or how I’d get to satisfy my craving for touch, I wasn’t sure if I ever would any time soon but at the time of writing this post (31/01) I made this a reality.

I won’t go into details relating to the trials and tribulations of making it happen, but lets just say I got through my anxiety and confidence to try and make things happen, to keeping going when there was setbacks and to eventually make it a reality.

When it was time I stood outside her flat/appartment, sent a message to say I had arrived to get the exact door number so I could be buzzed in and make my way there.
As I go to the 4th floor I headed right as instructed and reached her door giving it a quick knock.

I was greeted with a hello at the door, let in and given a kiss.
She was wearing a sexy light nightwear piece covering most of her body but not leaving much to the imgaination.

She offered me a drink, the use of her shower and we exchanged some light conversation.
We then both undressed as I got her her figure that was under the nightweat she had on, I had seen various pictures of her but in the flesh she was even more gorgeous.

I lay face down on her bed a towel under me and two custions for my face, she explained what she was doing working on my legs first and then moving on from there.
As I lay there barely able to see what was happening I heard the sound from the bottle of oil being squeezed and then felt her relaxing hands work on the back of my legs.

She slowly worked from the bottom of my right leg upwards reaching my ass and working it too, then after a while she switched legs again working her way to my ass before working on that.
As she got more into it I got lost in the moment, I had no external thoughts or than what she was doing, what I could feel and the sounds I could hear and she massaged me.

She then reach my back and shoulders working on them before going all over down my back, massaging my ass and legs apply fresh oil every so often. Each touch, each stroke of her hands and each word she said to me gave me goosebumps, it relaxed me and made me feel at ease.
Then she whispered “This is the best bit of the massage” as I titled my head to just about see her using her whole body against mine.

When she was done she then asked if I’d like to massage her which I promptly agreed and she lay face down giving me free reign over her smooth body massaging her from the legs, up to her peachy ass and back making sure everything was good to which she replied “It’s just about the touch” and less about my massage skills.

Once I was done she flipped over and allowed me to work on her front and getting my first hands on expereince with her smaller but nicely formed breasts alongh with the rest of her within reason (No fingering or such which I obeyed). I was able to compliment her belly button peircing and tattoo which gave us a nice conversation on the subject of tattoos.

Her body was extra smooth, breasts nice and squeezable and all round she was perfectly formed as I explored all of her with my limited massage skills but a desire to make sure I gave her as much pleasure as she was giving me.

She then sat up, made me lay down as she then massaged all of my front, again starting from the legs upwards.
Her soft hands and the feel of the oil was evern more relaxing since I could now see all of her beauty and what she was doing.
I’m not sure how qualified at massaging she is, nor have I really had many massages but whatever she was doing was wonderful.

Things then progressed as she worked my cock a little before she sat on me and my hands couldn’t help but wander to her breasts and ass before out bodys became one. Her naked body on mine set me to the most relaxed confortable state I’ve ever been in for a while, I enjoyed touching all of her as she touch me and we both made lots of sounds to show our enjoyment.

Her working of my cock was termporary, a tease to get me hard, but then in what seemed like no time afterwards she began to stroke it, I could feel it getting harder as she got faster and slower moaning with pleasure every so often.

If I was worried about prematurely coming (I wasn’t) I certainly needn’t be, because I was able to enjoy and extended period of pleasure as she lubed me up and let her hands do all the work.
My moans eventually got louder the faster she went as I twiched at every pleausre sensation riding through me untill I couldn’t take it anymore.

Her final stoke sent me into a forceful orgasm, literally shooting a thick load the length of my body to my shoulder area. I had held of masturbation for the 2 days leading upto this, and the day prior I had go tso horny and teased myself with porn, but knowing I wanted to save myself for the happy ending to my massage I stopped myself from even having any play whatsoever.

As I orgasmsed, she played with me a little longer where I sometimes can be sensitive but because it was so good I ended up not feeling anything but pleasure.

Once I was done I showered to clean of the oil and from my orgasm while she stayed naked as I did and then as I got dressed giving me extra visual pleasre right until I got a goodbye kiss then left.

It arrived slowly but went by so qucikly, I had spent 7 years without getting any touch and when I finally did it was over in a flash but well worth it.

Looking back I am happy that I made it happen, I’m happy I got over my anxiousness and worked through all the trials and tribulations to make it happen.
I’m happy I took the time to do something relaxing and fun for myself having worked a lot, many months in fact having only my usual 2 days off each week and not spending any of them doing something like this.

I feel like it has set me up to make this happen again, maybe with the same lady if she’s ever in town when we are both available or if not with someone else.
Maybe I can work up to doing more, seeking out new pleasures and doing things that will bring me joy, that will help me forget about life, about work or about anything bad for an hour or more.
Maybe it’ll be helpful to meet new people, have these experiences and know that I can do even more.

[January Jumpstart 2023] – January recap + Updates

I wanted to use January Jumpstart to kickstart my blog off well in 2023, allow me to write more and generally get back into the swing of things for blogging.
I also wanted to use some of these posts to share my goals for the year, have a written account of things and allow me like with the blog kickstart my personal off well.

In this post I want to look back at January, look at the posts on my blog and dive into my personal life.
See what I’ve managed to do or not do in the first month of the year and what it may mean going forward.

First of I counted 14 posts on my blog so out of the 31 days in January, I’ve posted for just under half of that which is great. I wanted to get back to blogging, I wanted to do more written content and so in that regard I definitely did it.

I posted about a variety of topics, from my goals for the year to sharing one of the darkest times in my life.
There was the relisation that it was or will be a decade since I first got into sex toys with this post and honestly I can’t believe it’s been so long.

One of my posts was on the subject of touch, how I love touch and how I hoped to get more touch in 2023. I even said “I’m not sure how this will work out but I can only hope it happens.”
Well thankfully and quite suprisingly I am making that happen, tomrrow as of when I write this (30/01) I have booked an body to body massage and naturally I’ll satisy my craving for touch for the first in forever.

I wrote a post on my goals and a sort of follow up post on wanting to make all these goals happen rather than putting them off.
As above, I made progress on the latter post by booking the massage though it took requesting several different people before I got one that actually responded to me.

On the topic of goals I had my remianing holiday time from worked taken and managed to book a trip away wth my mum, we had a family holiday last year but as there wasn’t going to be one this year I promised I’d take her away just the two of us since we haven’t been away together much and I know i could take her where she wanted to go (London).

So as you can see, by the tail end of January I have managed to do a lot.
I’ve been regularly blogging and I have managed to work on some of my goals and make happen some the things I wanted from this year.

Going forward I’m hoping to use January as the basis for doing more blogging, to continue participating in memes and sharing various thoughts and feelings plus hopefully many more new images.
I’m also hoping I can use January and the confidence I’ve gained to do more personal stuff and to do more things that also might end up on the blog.

I can’t go into details on everythiong because I just don’t know but for now it’s been a great start to my year and long may it continue.

[January Jumpstart 2023] – Changing relationship views

The Revelations prompt is dates and dating and with this I want to explore how I currently see myself in regards to this.
The things I am leearning and who I feel like I am becoming in the world of dating.

I’ve never been one to date much, I’ve had a grand total of maybe 2 relationships in my life.
The first was a teenage relationship where I became friends with a girl who I eventually fell for and we dated for about 7 months before I ended it.

The 2nd was someone I became friends with online and we sort of had something that I call dating/relationship. I don’t know how long it was thing but after a while we sort of just drifted apart and things ended.
We are still friends even if we don’t talk all that often, and I still have a love and appreciation for her in life.

From these 2 relationships and through life in general monogamous was who I was. I liked the idea of dating the one person and one person only, putting my time and effort into them and enjoying the relationship we have. I’ve always fallen for someone hard so being with them was all I wabted
Over the years though, particularly more recently, I’ve begun to see a lot more outside of monogamy and it has started to change how I think about dating and relationships.

Whether it’s people at work, people online or just people I see on my commute a lot, I’m finding so many beautiful people out there. Not just beautiful in the physical sense but in how nice they can be around me and others, how they spread joy to me and how they can make me smile.

Through these people I’m seeing so many different dynamics to each one, and while not all are people I want to date for many reasons, I am finding the act of having “The One” to be less important to me.
Yes I still would gladly fall in love with someone who I spend the rest of my life with, but I’ve opened my eyes to that not being the case, to not only having one partner but more than that, or having my partner have their own partner.

I love to love, and I love to see other people love, I love to see other people happy as much as I love being happy myself.
This could be in a relationship where we have a mutal understand that we both have other partners for different reasons. I understand it may be that I can only provide so much to someone and so they have another someone for what I can’t give, it might be that I love what they can give me but I have someone else who offers what they can’t.

I am still new to non-monogamy, still to learn a lot about it and yet to be in a relationship that is non-monogamous.
But from this I am beginning to realise that no everyone is monogamous, that may not fit them and so they seek alternative dating options, the fact that monogamy is not the standard of relationship that we should all be doing.
On the other hand not everyone wants to be non-monogamous, they may want to have a singular partner and that’s totally fine, it’s whatever works for them at the end of the day and makes them happy.

So when it comes to dating I can’t say i’m 100% monogamous nor that I’m non-monogamous but I’ll take each dating sceanrio as it comes and do what’s best for two people together.
Maybe in several years I’ll be able to say for certain where I fit in, or maybe like at this moment in time I will be open to both monogamy and non-monogamy.

[January Jumpstart 2023] – Body Count, I hate it but I don’t either

The term body count is not something I’ve ever used no mater how many dating apps/sites I’ve been on, or how many times I’ve planned potential hookups.
For me it’s not important how many sexual partners others have had, if we’re getting together for sex, a date or even for a relationship I’m only focused on the here and now, whatever is happening between us and not what has gone on before me.

The idea that body count means something and might even affect things between two people is to me a strange idea. If you’ve slept with 1 or 100 people I don’t want to know, it doesn’t affect me and doesn’t change what would happen between us ince it’s going to be different to whoever you may have slepty with before.

In terms of my own body count, I rarely get asked that question and for the most part it’s never asked as “What’s your body count?”.
The way in which I feel like body count might benefit me is in explaining this to people be it hookups or whoever.
I’m not one to have had much sex in whatever way you care to define what constitutes sex, and so for me my own personal use the term body count is one I use to convey my lack of experience.
Sure I wish I had more sex now and in the past but the fact that my number is very low doesn’t matter as much and I’m definitely no one to say woe is me for his lack of sex.

What does matter is that whoever I’m with understands my lack of experience, understands they can’t expect things to go a certain way and understands that I want to do the best I can and we ensure us both getting as much pleasure out of the situation as possible.

At the end of the day body count in relation the to the amount of previous sexual partners doesn’t matter to me, I will never ask the querstion or mention the topic, yes I may bring up related things but more in a way that’s driving communication and understanding what we both might want to get out of the situation at hand. Be it my limited experiences with sex or the fact you might be more experienced in certain aspects I want to explore, these might come from body count but don’t refer to a number or the phrase itself.

[January Jumpstart 2023] – The things you can’t see.

Question if you will, what do you see when you look at my images, whether it’s on my bog, Twitter/Mastodon or even via Discord?

I’m sure some will see a cute male ass, they may see the location i’m in outdoors, the bright sunshine and the green leaves on the trees, they may see me using a toy or a prop that I may be playing with angles and all things creative or even that I may have applied some editing to make my image stand out.
No matter what you see it is all part of what I want to show off, it’s maybe fitting a theme or and idea I have and I do my best to capture it in said photos.

The thing with a number of these images though is the parts you can’t see. Not just the part of an image not in shot, the preparation I have to get a shot or the multiple attempts I take to get something that’s in focus and framed correctly.

When I look back at some of these images I am remidned of a particular day, a particular part of my life or just a particular set of thoughts and feelings.
One image that kicked off my desire for change was a creative image that took time and effort to get just right, but the day I took the image was one where I felt like shit.

I had just started to recover from nasty cold like symptoms and ended up suffering from dehydration along with a a drained mental state. I wasn’t in a great place but knew I needed to make changes and do more for myself, similar to having goals this year although not quite as an easy place to make them happen as I am now.

A image on the opposite end of the scale was one of my many outdoor shots that I took after the above events.I found myself in a rare position of things going my way, I assume from the changes I started to make.
I was having a great time with my blog, had fun plans with someone who was also getting updates as I went out to shoot and encouraging me at times.

These are just two examples of things of things going on that you only I will know from looking at my pictures, they show that there is often more to a picture than you see, there a lot of stuff behind that picture that maybe made it possible or that reminds me of a part of muy life I don’t share.

I share a lot about my life but don’t share every little detail, so the next time you see one of my images just remember that there is likely a lot more to it than just what you see on the screen.

[January Jumpstart 2023] – Labels. A necessary evil?

In some ways I love labels, I love knowing who someone is without having to ask, guess or just not know when it may be useful to know.
I love when someone can proudly label themselves and put it out there to the world for all to see and getting lots of love for it.

On the other hand I hate labels in reference to myself, I hate the fact that I feel the need to label myself despite how useful and how much it helps me in parts of my life.
I grew up into my late teens/early 20s with my sexuality being subconciously straight since I constantly fell for girls and felt like that’s just who I was, without ever questoning it when signs that I wasn’t came and went in a flash.

It wasn’t until my mid-20s onwards that I started to realise I may not be infact straight but something more.
I explored this, as I wrote here, and eventually I came to the realisation that I was bi-sexual more than anything.
This was the first time I had labeled my sexuality even if it was initially just to myself, it was the first time I had sat there and looked at everything that had come before and made the puzzles pieces fit together.

Even with knowing who I was and having a label for I still kept it to myself and didn’t feel like outing myself just yet. It was partially because I wasn’t comfortable sharing it with others and partly because I didn’t feel like I should need to share it.

I was aware that family woud be more than OK with it but until such times that I’d need to bring it up I couldn’t do it and didn’t want to. Had I found myself entering into a relationship with another guy then yes I would have come out and said “Look here’s my new BF, I’m bi-sexual” or something along those lines.

I love who I love, regardless of who they are and I don’t need a label to make it anymore or less valid, I don’t need to have this bright neon-sign so to speak glowing with the words bi-sexual and pointing to me in order to hook up with anyone that is the opposite sex.

I don’t want to label myself because of things that may happen just due to being bisexual. Thankfully I’ve had no negative experiences yet, probably as I’ve not been fully out there for long, but I see posts all the time and don’t want to have to deal with negativity surrounding who I am

On the other hand though I have realised that having a label for myself is a good thing, being able to convey the fact that I can have an attraction to anyone and everyone is nice.
It of course helps in dating or when i’m looking for some sexual fun as I’m not having people wondering what my preferences are and what I may or may not like.

Having a label helps me feel like I’m part of the LGTBQIA+ community and that I belong there, that I can be who I am no matter what, like many others in my position, who can relate to things I may have gone through.

Away from sexuality labels is those that I feel like stereotype who I am when in fact I am more than that.
Yes I’m male, yes I may be a gamer, a metal head and I may be a geek but I can enjoy the opposite of that.
I have and always will enjoy playing games like The Sims, enjoy music like Darren Hayes and even enjoy the act of wearing female lingerie to name just a few things, these are all in sharp contrast to how I may outwardly look to people whether it’s someone passing me inthe street or someone from work who may not know me all that well.

At the end of the day I just want to be myself.
I want to do whatever is best for me, like whoever and whataver I like without having to put a label on it.

[January Jumpstart 2023] – Micro-prosed desires

The prompt for today is micro-prose without the E and I share some wants and desires that I hope will come to me soon

I long for company.
I long for touch.
I long for body to body contact.

I want your kiss.
I want your aroma.
I want all of you.

Two souls hand in hand.
Two souls with a burning passion.
Two souls a burning lust.

All of this will occur and soon.

[January Jumpstart 2023] – Sex Toy Decade

I realised recently that it’s either been or will be this year a decade since I dipped my toes into the world of sex toys, a very tentative dip t start with but one that I would never have inagine would go on for 10 years.

Sex toys weren’t new to me back then, as someone who’d been around adult parts of the internet for a while I had of course been aware of them. I watched porn with toys in them and saw the ocassional web ad on adult sites that promoted sex toys, but beyond that I really had no idea.

For the most part I knew of generic vibrators, didos, the Hitachi magic wand and for the penis owners like myself I was aware of the Fleshlight.

It wasn’t untill 2012/3 where I started to look into sex toys, after a evening of being turned on when I stumbled onto a sex toy retailers website, and having a small of spare cash I decided to get a few small cheap items to start.

After working up the courage I made my first purchase of some cheaper toys. Some were ok and some shit which meant I made a few more smaller purchases.
I was after all new to sex toys so I had no idea what was what and my purchases were based on what I thought looked good rather than actually knowing anything.

Eventually I stumbled on a page on the retailers webite I used which allowed people to get free toys in exchange for a review. A list would be updated with items available for review and you added to a specific wishlist on your account and then waited to see if you got picked.

I was lucky enough on a number of ocassions to be picked to review toys, this leading to getting toys I may not have otherwised purchased due to their cost. It also led me to have new experiences with different kinds of toys and finding the joy in writing reviews.
I finally got to experience a Fleshlight for the first time, experience some higher quality prostate massagers and experienced a glass tailed butt plug which led to me to realising how much I loved wearing a tail.

Having written these reviews I had gone from having to work up the courage to by a small cheap masturbator all the way to having some amazing orgasms through an anal toy and generally being so much more comfortable with toys in my life where I had a small colelction of maybe 6-10 toys or so.
Yes I hid toys away from view, but once someone in my household knew I had them I didn’t really care, I still kept them out of sight especially with visitors around but I wasn’t afraid to have one drying in view or afraid of toy parcels when they arrived.

After a while I stopped seeking out review toys, It was fun to be picked but never a guarantee that I would be let alone a guarantee that there would be stuff I was interested in or could even use.

Having review a few toys and buying a few more I had realised just how much pleasure they could provide, I found that it was something I could embrace and even though I was a single male I didn’t feel like there was anything wrong with owning toys if it meant I could get amazing orgasms.

It wasn’t untill later in 2020 though when a fellow blogger asked if I wanted to review a toy from Tenga as a guest review on their sitwe to which I agreed.
I wrote the review, took pics of the toy and sent it off to them for publishing and afterwards it seemed to go down really well, the way in which I reviewed was praised and Tenga seemed to like the finished review.

From this review I got offered more Tenga products to review which then morphed into being asked if I wanted to review for other companies, one a reatiler in which I had the chance to pick the toys I revewed.
I went from doing one review to multiple reviews at a time, from having a small collection of toys to a much bigger one and after the first few reviews I was inspired to creeate this blog. I found I loved writing said reviews and felt that after 4 years of on and off blogging Ideas I finally felt like it was the right time to take the plunge.

If you had told me back in 2012 that I’d end up with probably more thaan 30+ sex toys, have written many reviews of toys and that it would lead to a NSFW blog where I share nudes and explore kink then I would have laughed and said no way.

Forgetting my confidence levels and comfort, I was in no way someone who would have ever got this deep into toys. Maybe owning a few toys would have been something i’d have done but I never could have pictured myself with the what has happend over the years.
I’m grateful for all the pleasure toys have given me, the fact that sex toys have led me to moving back to twitter and going NSFW gaining a bunch of lovely followers throughout the years and even some who I can call friends, the fact that there is a bunch of awesome bloggers I now know as well as awesome people via 2 discord servers I’m a part of.

[January Jumpstart 2023] – It’s me not you….?

Some people may already know this, I’ve shared it before, and well it’s obvious from the name, but when I started my blog back in 2020 it was based on the idea of exploration.

A small part of this was personal exploration of myself and who I am, but for the most part I wanted to focus on sexual and kink explorations, this was due to my own experiences with both or rather a lack of.
Untill starting the blog and it’s still the case, my sexual experiences sat at 3, all happening with 2 guys on different ocassions when I was exploring my sexuality back in 2015.
Kink on the other hand outside of solo play was non-existent, I had zero expereinces exploring and doing anything kink related.

In the two years since I started my blog I’ve had a few potenial situations arise for something fun to happen.
One started as an offer for drinks during a trip away before it changed and got talked about over a few months. Speaking about what things we wanted to do and planning that would slowly evolve into something more than I could ever have imagined.

Unfortunately despite our plans and everything that we wanted to do this ultimately ended in nothing happening d between us. Me being me was a factor in things not working out, because although I didn’t do anything wrong per se what I did do was done with excitement and in good faith but it caused the other party to get uncomfortable so I basically put out the fire between us despite my sincerest apolgies to them, and I then didn’t make the situation any better after the fact in an extremely rare situation where I got drunk on my own far away from home and sent a message I really shouldn’t have.

I’ve refarined from talking about it because we’ve never spoken since and I realise things never worked out like many things in life don’t so I just moved on, although I wished and still wish them all the happiness in the world even if we no longer talk.

After the above that there have been a couple of other people who have come into my life and led to some potential fun.
One of these was a suggestion from a very good friend of mine who knew someone near me who wanted to explore a bi-curious side and I was happy to chat to them and see where things went from there.
After some inital chats on the subject and a few on and off after the fact I realised they were not quite ready, and so I ended up leaving the subject alone whereby they have become some I enjoy following and who’s been so kind in appreciating me and the pics I post on Twitter.

The last two people were ones that evolved from some chatting to potential fun and it seemed like in both these cases it would lead somewhere. Both parties where interested, after I had got to know the individual I certainly felt happy to do things and just have fun which I lacked and craved.

Once again though these didn’t get anywhere but this time without any reason. The first got as far as setting a date and exploring each others like and dislikes so we each knew in advance what we were comfortable with doing but then radio silence before they disappeared without a trace.
The other didn’t get quite as far but we both wanted something to happen and I was keen to do so when they happened to be staying somewhat nearby, but they were only there for a short time and would be gone the next day. We did talk a lot but then things have since went dead since last year despite messaging them.

Out of these situtaions were there was potential for fun none has ended up happening and It’s made me consider whether it’s just ME or not.
Of course the first one was ME, I didn’t do myself any favours and things didn’t work our which is not to feel bad about myself but recognise what went wrong.
The 2nd wasn’t me or at least I don’t see it like that, I see a wonderful person who has been kind to me and appreciating what they see as beauty in me, while I understand and respected the fact they weren’t ready to take the plunge and I wasn’t going to force them or go on about it.

The last two though have really made me question. Am I awarkd in conversations that leds me to scare people away, do I come across in a particular manner even if it’s not intentional and I do it subconciously or am I just the type of guy that once you really get to know in any way more than friends/mutual social media follower that you are turned off by and won’t want to do anything with.

I’d like to think this is not the case, some people would say no too and that It’s not me, I will find someone and things will happen but right now that isn’t happening and untill it does I can only say that it maybe is me**

**It’s not me. Yes I am awkard at times, not great sociallly and all that which doesn’t help but it’s not me**

[January Jumpstart 2023] – The darkness within

CW: mental health and suicide

I sat there in silence feeling lost and alone except not of that was quite true.
Despite my silence I had a million and one loud thoughts going through my mind, I wasn’t alone being at a friends house with a group of local friend and I wasn’t lost as my own home was seconds away.

In my hand I gripped tightly a mobile phone that held messages to a friend, dark messages about what was going on with me that I didbn’t want my friends to see. Said friend was the only one to know, she was a fairly new friend but the first time I’d ever been close to a girl and it felt right that she new.

Growing up as a kid I struggled a lot because of a disabillity I had for which I got help in primary school. As I then entered my teens I got further help in high school.
My disabillity wasn’t the kind you would immediately notice just by looking at me or interacting with me, it ws because of this that I tried to lead a normal life as much as I could.

Unfortunately in trying to be normal coupled with the usual pressures as a teen led me to struggle even more. I was outwardly social as much as others, I wasnt the most confident and I didn’t know how to seek help when I needed it and so I was going through everyday life like a normal teen when I wasn’t quite that.

It was the above which affected me mentally, I ddn’t know what I was doing in life, where I was going and I felt less smart than I should have. I struggled in school somewhat, I did as best as I could with the help I got but my grades weren’t perfect for most classes so it affected me.

There was a couple of times I got beat up too which didn’t help me, it knocked my confidence down a notch, because here I was walking home from school, and was set upon but a group teens for no apparant reason. I was helpless and couldn’t do anything but just let myself get punched and kicked to the ground.

As I sat there with friends in silence it was at that stage all my negative feelings hit their peak.
I liked these friends but none were quite like me especially who I’d become in my teens, none had issues like I did and I never talked about things to them which is why I felt alone.

I felt lost because my direction in life wasn’t there, I didn’t know what I was doing or where I was going.
There was also this feeling as above of feeling not smart and at times useless because of my struggles and how I was in school.

I saw how others where and while I wanted to be myself, there was parts of others that I wished where part of me. I wanted to be more confident, more social and I wanted to be able to just do more without worrying.

It all eventually came to breaking point when I couldn’t take all the negatives in my mind, feeling like I’d had no way forward and no where to go. No one to turn to and a feeling of being on my own.

I planned how I might go, when was the right time where I’d be alone, and what I’d write in a note. I thought about how life might be better with me gone and what it might feel like. Where would I end up, some sort of heaven or hell.

As the time grew closer my newer friend who I’d become close to and who new what was going on had been texting me, making it clear that I shouldn’t do anything and that I had a lot to be here for. I was grateful for her messages and the more I got ready for the end the more I couldn’t do it.

I had a way out but It was dawning on me how it’d affect my family, and friends. I couldn’t bear making their life worse particularly family and specially the girl who was the only one to know.

We had become close and I started to develop amazing feelings for her so as I sat there I thought about how she knew what I was going through, took the time to message me a lot and cared enough to try and keep me here.

I thought about how she’d feel if I had gone, that she was unable to do anything to help, how her mental health might end up and that if it she struggled how it would be my own fault.

All these thought of how ending my life would affect others and knowing that someone cared for me ultimately stopped me from doing anything stupid. I hadn’t quite got to the point being ready to do anything there and then but I wasn’t far away from doing so.

I’d never felt so close to a girl before and never experienced any girl being mutually close to me that it became noticeable when we weer together with school friends. The fact she liked me and cared enough ti message me and be someone I could tell my dark thoughts to made me 100x more grateful to her.

We edned up dating for 7 months, I fell madly in love with her but after we parted I never really spioke to her and I am unsure what happend with her when my family moved a few months later.
Even to this day I’m grateful to her despite things not working out, I wonder where she is and oif she ever remembers what happened, does she know how grateful I am, does she ever think of me whether in a good way or bad way or am I a just a forgottrn part of her history having been and gone in a flash?

As I’m now an adult I have grown and become far better in accepting who I am, sure I still stress out become anxious, hved down periods even having a breakdiwn of sorts in 2021 but I haven’t come close to ever ending it all as I did in ther past.
I’ve never talked about my suicide situaion openly outisde of someone who’s become a best friend only within the last 15 years and didn’t know me before that.

I’ve never really spoken about it to family, the thought of how they might react and what might happen if I did was something I couldn’t face. I couldn’t explain my feelings at the time and didn’t want to have to go through it all again and have them upset.
I kept it to myself in the years afterwards, ocassionaly being remidned of it.

If you’ve seen me around on twitter, discord or anywhere, seen me interact with others or even ingteracted with me yourself then you will know I can be very kind and caring, it’s from all that could have happened that has remidnded me of ow I’ve felt in life and how bad it was. If I can post a positive comment, some csring words or just be someone nicce to interact with then I hope I can make someone happy because when others are the same to me I know I appreciate them and feel happy..