For those that don’t know me or don’t know me that well, I happen to have many interests and hobbies. Within this are 3 main stages in which these hobbies and interests exist.
The first is those which are a major part of my life that I indulge in every day or as much as possible, for example, music. The second is things that are of great interest to me but which I only indulge in now and again. The last is those which I take a fleeting deep interest in for say a day or two and come back to it once every few years.
One of my major interests beyond music is tech and in particular computers which go away back to my childhood. Growing up particularly in the early 90s as a young child there was always a computer of some sort in my house, my dad was into them and so an early memory is having Amiga A500 followed by a PC.
As I got a bit older I was given a semi-custom built Windows 98 PC of my own in my bedroom, albeit I was never connected to our home internet at the time, but still, I remember having so much fun playing games on it and eventually just messing with not only Windows but the hardware inside as I got curious about what made up my PC.
During my teenage years, this interest in computers grew and I eventually began to learn how computers were built through my dad who worked in a small independent computer shop. This learning was also gained through tinkering with the insides of my own computer until I eventually started college and properly built my first PC from scratch.
Ever since that first PC build, I’ve continued to take an interest in PC hardware and components while building many more of my own computers over the years and being the tech in my family.
When I get to build my own computer fully from scratch it’s very much a fun process from planning and starting it to finishing things. As I tend to have a strict budget, not only overall, but for each part, I get to have fun looking up what components and parts I can get that not only fit within that budget but also give me the best performance. Then again with things like the case, the fun is based on not only finding something that can fit everything in but that also looks great.
For me at least, I don’t always get everything from the same place or at the same time so I often have several parcels coming at different times and days so I get more than one excitement. Then there’s the excitement of seeing some parts but not being able to use them until other things arrive and so I see stuff sitting around as I wait.
Once everything arrives there is then the excitement of getting to build the PC, unboxing all of my new parts, seeing everything all shiny and new for the first time IRL and not just on product photos or in YouTube videos. I get to put everything together, ensure all the cables are, as neat and tidy as possible and then the excitement of finally powering it all on. There’s a little moment where I don’t know if it’ll work the first time, have I connected everything and if so is it fully connected all of which I find out in a second or two as I stare at a monitor looking for it to flash as the screen changes and I see something pop up.
Once everything is working there’s still the matter of installing Windows, making sure all my hardware is set up with the latest drivers and that I have all my required apps and games installed before I can call it a day and get to use my PC.
Below are several images of computers I’ve built myself over the years, not only getting better as tech progresses but also because I’ve had a lot more spare income to get better components.
Here is a computer I built around 2008
This one is from around 2010
This one is from 2012 when I reused some still useful parts from the above PC. I also ended up making some upgrades to it over the years to get a little more performance out of it
Finally, this is my most recent PC build from 2019 when the PC above started to fail and otherwise generally feel slower as the years moved on, even with upgrades I had made.
I’ve also included a picture with some of the parts I bought and one when I was in the process of building the computer in my old case before I had decided on a new one.
Compliments are the topic this week for #SWAP, and while it’s not something I’d think about or write about as a standalone post I have enjoyed thinking about it and getting the thoughts for a post knowing it’ll be linked to the swap meme.
The first part of the prompt post states the following: “I was reading a post on Reddit where someone had asked what is one thing guys never tell women and one person said the fact that if you compliment him he’ll remember it forever.”
The above answer for me is 100% true and while I may not remember exact compliments I will always remember those that give them as it means a lot to me whenever I’m complimented. Now, these compliments can come in various forms, even ways that I might consider compliments in a roundabout way even if it wasn’t intended as a straight-up compliment.
The best compliments for me are those that go deep, where someone has noticed things I’ve done, the things I do where I’m not looking for compliments but just being myself and where it may not be a typical compliment.
Since I started blogging I’m sure regulars to my blog/Twitter will have seen lots of changes with me, and I remeber last year being (complimented?) in a way about how far I’ve come by i’m sure it was Floss of all people. I don’t know if she was complimenting me as such or just being nice, but it felt good to know she was noticing me, what I was doing and how far I had come personally/blogging because it’s one thing to see it through my own eyes but another to have someone else notice it too.
At the same time this wasn’t a singular thing that you might compliment someone on or that I might look for compliments on say a blog post or photo I posted which made it all the more special.
I do also enjoy when my blog content gets complimented on especially photos and specifically on one semi-recent photo that was included in a Sinful Sunday round-up . The photo in question was a very sexual one, and for me these are not something I feel comfortable doing a lot as I lack the confidence to really know what I’m doing (I feel my lack of expereince IRL doesn’t help) but having liked the photo enough to post it I was initally just happy to be included in the round-up but then even happier to read the compliments which ended with “Just an A+ lewd!”
Outside of blogging I love the compliments I get for just be me, for being nice and lovely, for being appreciated at work or for the time when I shaved my head and a colleauge said nice things about it. I don’t do these things for compliments which makes it nicer when they do come because it’s always somewhat of a suprise.
On the other hand I sometimes can’t take a compliment and one example is the blog. I started the blog because of the toy reviews I did for littleswitchbitch’s blog and I’ve always given compliments talking about how she and the toy reviews helped me get to where I am with my blog, and it’s always been countered with the argument that it was all me that did it and not her which can be true. I always maintain that she helped me get the blog going, she was one inspiration for blogging and how grateful I was to her getting me into writing reviews which I enjoyed especially just the writing as much as the toys themseleves.
Another example is the photo below I posted where I climed up a tree and was asked “How I managed to combine taking a photo with a timer- and not just that, taking a well constructed, interestingly framed photo- with climbing up a bloody tree.” Of course I was grateful for the compliment but rather than accept it and look at the fact I was being complimented because I had “climbed up a bloody tree” my response was something like “oh, you just have to be limber” downplaying the compliment.
Scrolling Twitter one day I happen to see a tweet that asked about peoples addiction, and as I began to think about it I started to subconsciously write this post in my head. Addictions can take on many forms and for me, I sat there and thought about how I’ve never drunk a lot, smoked beyond trying it in my teens nor have I taken drugs but if there was one thing I was addicted to then it was definitely love.
Back between the ages of say 8-10 I had my first ever crush on someone, a girl in my class at school and the feelings I had where was started me off. I had had feelings for anyone before and so when it came I just enjoyed the happiness It gave me even if I did nothing about it. Even though the feelings for this particular girl faded as I moved to high school I still craved the feelings in general and knew I wanted to have them again.
My 2nd year of high school was when things happened in a big way when I fell in love for the first time again with a girl from my class. One day walking home from school on my own I was unexpectedly hit with a huge wave of butterflies in my stomach, a girl in my class I had seen across the road as I walked home suddenly and expectedly filled my mind and I didn’t know what to do about it all.
Everything I was feeling was new to me but I figured this must be love. I had no prior feelings for this girl, and even in the weeks leading up to falling in love I hadn’t even thought about anything close and so it was definitely out of the blue. Regardless I enjoyed the magical feeling for all it was worth and didn’t want it to go.
Fast forward a couple of years and after everything from my first love had faded (I did nothing about it sadly) I ended up falling in love again which led to something even bigger. It all started when I was introduced to a friend of a friend from my school and we started hanging out with other friends which led us to get close to each other. On one particular day as I waited for a friend so was she. This was the first time we’d seen each other outside of our group of friends and so as we awkwardly waited I looked over at her and Immediately felt weak at the knees as I was overcome with happy feelings. I’d heard the phrase to go weak at the knees before but this was the first and so far only time I’d ever experienced it and that was the start of something between us.
We eventually dated and I had a strong attraction to her but it wasn’t until one night/morning that I truly knew I was in love again even more than ever before. During one night’s sleep, I had a dream that she was in and all I remember was it involved us kissing, but during that dream and subsequently, after waking up I was filled with the biggest feeling of happiness and emotion I’ve ever had. I can’t explain it all that well but I had butterflies in my stomach times a trillion and wanted to just sit there and cry with happiness in my bed over the fact that not only was I in love with her but that she and I were dating. The overall amazing feeling I had stayed with me, though the intensity died down after the morning has passed and I was left replaying it over and over in my head as much as I could.
Since the relationship above ended I’ve never fallen in love again, but as you can imagine I still crave those feelings despite knowing love will happen when it happens. There’s just something magical and wonderful that it’s hard not to want it again I’m still going to have relationships of all kinds though whether it’s romantic, sexual or whatever, and falling in love is not a priority but damn is it ever good when It happens.
If the question was asked of me “Do you have any regrets in life” then my answer would be an easy NO without any thought beforehand, but it’s more complicated than just saying NO and in writing this post I put out a poll on Twitter asking whether anyone had regrets with a simple Yes or No answer. The response to that poll was an overwhelming yes with someone kindly replying to me and saying that it was more complex and went into some details as to why.
I think of myself as someone who can never be more than themselves, will do the best they can in life and be the best they can. I’ve been somewhat the same person since I was a teen, and that doesn’t mean I haven’t grown up or that I haven’t learned from past mistakes but I still try to be myself every day.
When I look at regret I think of all the times in my life from relationships I had that ended, the things I didn’t do but could have, the things I did but maybe shouldn’t have and everything in between that may have resulted in some form of regret after the fact.
Now If I’ve done anything bad, like things I really shouldn’t have done then I will always hold my hands up and say it was wrong I’m sorry and in those instances, I may have regret but for the most part, I’m not one to feel like I do anything that bad so never have I had any regret to that degree Each regret worthy moment has a story behind it, a reason why I did certain things and both the good and the bad that came with them
For example, ending a relationship because I was putting in all the effort, getting not much back and it just not feeling right after 7 months was the right thing to do even if I still loved the girl and had a thought of “maybe I shouldn’t have initiated the ending”. If I didn’t do anything though I may have been happy for a lot longer, at the same time though, I would have been in a relationship that just wasn’t right for me just because I was in love with someone.
At each particular regretful moment in time, I was doing things that were right for me, I was just being myself and for anything I didn’t do, it was likely because I didn’t have the confidence or didn’t feel comfortable with it so naturally, I missed out but for good reason.
Saying I had regrets takes away from these things, it makes me feel like I am being negative towards myself in what I did and saying “Is being myself wrong”. or “I was stupid”. No neither of these things or others are correct.
I may not have done something that was right in the end but at the same time, it wasn’t wrong to do. I may have missed out on experiences but then again if I didn’t feel comfortable then I was right not to force myself to go ahead even if I wish I had and even wish it may have turned out well.
I’m not going to have regrets where there’s nothing I did to really regret, and if anything I may wish I had done things differently or that they had gone differently but I won’t sit here thinking negatively about all the things that have happened in my life.
For me, the best thing to do is learn from everything and look forward, put the past in the past and focus my mind on the current or new things in life, what can make me happy now or in the future.
I’m very much submissive, it’s something I’ve always known about myself from day 1 when I began to know what being submissive was. Over the years though I’ve rarely acted specifically on this submissive side of me when with partners or potential partners.
Recently though and in a solo capacity, I had been leaning into my submissive side some more with images on my blog coming from the thoughts in my head. With that in mind little did I know then that one Thursday evening I would lean heavily into it with someone else, and even at that, I would do so subconsciously without any prior planning to be submissive.
“Give me a minute,” I said as I grabbed four masturbation sleeves from my toy chest and unboxed the newest one I had recently received, putting them out on display where one would be picked and used on me.
As a sleeve was picked and lube at the ready the excitement building but I still had very little idea what lay in store until I was asked a simple question. “You happy for me to decide when you cum and be fully in control?” I paused for a second, thought about giving complete control to someone before I gave an affirmative reply trying to restrain the excitement.
Not only was I letting someone control me but I allowed them to use a remote toy called The Handy in which they would have the tools to control me without touching, From slow and long strokes to short hard and fast ones and everything in-between, they could have infinite adjustment with more finite control than what they could get with just their hands.
As I was just about ready I heard “Watch some porn while I edge you”. I love the idea that during this edging I could be focused on porn and how hot it was only to then feel a huge rush of pleasure to bring my mind back to the reality of the real-life pleasure I was being subjected to. The porn would hopefully take my focus away and make me last as long as possible.
I was asked how long I could last, clearly planning how exactly they would take control and edge me.
As the fun started my sleeve has its vibe turned on giving me extra pleasure but also an extra reason to try and last as long as possible, and one more thing my mind could focus on when I was trying not to. I was already hard before anything had started so there was no need to work up and they could start right away, each initial stroke giving me an idea of what was to come.
I could feel the contrast between the slow and sensual strokes to the hard and fast ones, my moans increased then decreased as the play went on
As the vibe was then turned up to medium I was told “I think u can cum without it”. They knew I was enjoying the buzz of the vibe and were denying me the pleasure it brought, but I obeyed and turned it off. At least now I had one less pleasure to worry about.
“These strokes are getting me closer,” I said, I wasn’t in control but and even without those words, it was pretty clear from how I writhed about that I was clearly on the edge and the edging kept on coming. Moments of intense stroking followed by a slowdown just as I could feel the build-up in me. By this point as the end was near and they wanted me to orgasm but I had a sudden urge to become a brat knowing I didn’t want to orgasm
“You wanna cum?” I was asked clearly sensing that an orgasm wasn’t far off. “Try and make me” was my immediate reply, my mind wasn’t in the real world, I was lost in the pleasure being given to me, the ecstasy of it all while not being in control and not quite ready for it to be all over.
Having given my reply I was asked “You ready?” which set me up for what was likely to be some full-on intense pleasure and a desire to make me orgasm when I was trying to resist as long as possible. By this point, I had paused the porn I was watching and put all my focus into the real world physical pleasure knowing I had set myself up for what was indeed an intense pleasure filled few minutes where it would take all I had to resist the urge to orgasm.
After a few minutes, I couldn’t take it anymore, my restraint weakened until I let out a huge moan and let myself go with a big orgasm. The look on my face gave away just how much I had held out and how the pleasure had built up in me for the release.
As I was sat there in post-orgasm bliss I was given a smile and a look as if to say I had done good, no words were needed to be said, and that look alone was enough to tell me all I needed. One look at me and there was a satisfying look on my face, one that was feeling the last few bits of orgasm still going before I was finally done.
I slipped back into a relaxed position for a moment, to catch my breath and come back to reality.
September is nearly over and this months theme for the Love Yourself meme was try something new which happens to coincide with the 1-year anniversary of the first post on my blog. To think I’ve been blogging for a whole year is so crazy to me, I mean I first started thinking about blogging in 2016 but didn’t take it anywhere (I have a published post from 2016).
Starting the blog came about after some initial guest sex toy reviews I did got well-received, and where I enjoyed the writing so much. From that, I felt like I could have a go at blogging and so I logged into my dormant WP account and set about creating the blog you see today. There was also the small matter of also wanting to participate in various memes that I was seeing on Twitter where I liked to look at other bloggers entries and enjoy.
I didn’t have all the experiences or knowledge to become a sex blogger and I never wanted to, but that angle of exploring myself in these new experiences past, present and future were ones I settled on pretty quickly hence the name.
A year on and I’ve certainly grown into the blog, figured out things along the way and in the case of my pictures I have definitely improved on that side of things greatly. Sure there is still lots I can learn and I can still grow, but for now, I am happy with where things are. There is lots of content on the blog which can and will be added to with more as the days, weeks and months roll on so I look forward to adding new things like posts and pictures.
Blogging has certainly been something new for me but I have had a great time thus far, and if you have ever read a post, viewed my pictures and interacted with a like and commented either on here or via Twitter then thank you so so much. I didn’t know what to expect starting the blog in terms of who would visit but I really appreciate each and every one of you who have, and those who come back week after week to view my content.
Try something new is the theme of Love Yourself for September, and oh boy did I take huge steps for myself, and although all plans didn’t go ahead it was still a massive thing I did.
If you know me, you will know that I’ve always been someone who has had these great ideas and plans for things I wanted to do only to never go through with them and then sometimes regret it even if it was just things on my own.
In 2021 though I’ve taken huge steps in changing this, one of them being a trip to London. The first step I took was going from plans in my head to actually booking something which I did, and the excitement that came from that was huge since I was doing something rather than just thinking about doing something. The next major step was that I had booked 5 days away and was going solo meaning I’d be not only the furthest away from home than I had ever been but also for the longest time. The final step was when I had 2 sets of plans come up with other people, one being really fun while the other being just a nice catchup with someone I had known for a while but never met.
The fact I was doing it was the big thing for me more than any anxiety. I knew I could do it but for some reason, in the past, I never would have gone through with it but here I was going to London.
Having been on the said trip I am so glad I went, and I feel like it has really helped me long term. Sure the lots of fun plans never happened (I won’t go into detail) but I met a wonderful friend my first day. We chatted and had a good laugh while I helped her with something creative, and overall it was great to finally meet someone I have known for a while. It was also great to just be social with someone, enjoy their company and get a hug at the end which meant so much to me as I appreciated the physical human connection, the warmth of someone that they felt happy to hug me and the feeling I was liked, and not just from behind a screen but IRL.
Overall my trip was great, including solo drinking on a Sat and Sun evening (Solo although I was messaging my best friend so not quite alone). It certainly gave me the confidence to know I can do things, not just travelling but meeting new people and also that these people liked me for who I am IRL.
Post London I’ve already gone out with work colleagues who are leaving, having food and drinks and this is something I never used to do beyond staff nights out. I also have a final trip this year booked for a few weeks time where I will meet even more new people and hopefully improve on how social I am and get confidence from how others see me which I hope is positive.
All of this can be helpful to me as a person, in showing that who I come across online is how people might see me IRL, that I can be more confident in myself and that I can do more of the things I’d like to do whether it’s something that pops up or is something I’ve thought about in the past.
I wrote this post for the most recent Quote Quest on how I’m finally living life.
There are many things in that post which were good for me recently and also are good for me in the future which I love and look forward to. Behind the scenes and what people don’t see is somewhat of a different story though.
I have a life outside of twitter including a job but also adult responsibillities beyond just paying the bills. This life is not so easy sometimes, the responsibillities I have can be stressful and combied with my job it can be full on some days/weeks.
Unfortunately the good things in my post don’t always extend to the real life which is something I’m trying to work on but things aren’t quite working out the way I’d like. I’m very appreciative for all the wonderful people on twitter I interact with and for the ones I will meet soonish IRL, but in my real life it’s just me (Outwith family and the one I care for at home). Sure I have people at work I’m friendly with, but I don’t really for now have many options for people I can go out and meet up with, have a coffee or just chat and be company.
My new found confidence and all of what I’m doing on here and twitter have made me want to find like minded people IRL, not just someone for having fun with but to be able to be friends, talk about kinks, NSFW stuff and anything else in general on similar topics.
I know I’m confident enough to get what I’d like but it’s knowing how do I do it, can I do it (Finding people, places…etc) and then just actually doing it.
It’s tough having all the good in my life from blogging, twitter and when I get out and take pics, but then on the flip side not have some of this in my real life away from all of that.
I have lots of good to look forward to so I should be happy about that and try to focus on that as a way to kick my mind away from the bad or look to use it in a good way to get more stuff in my real life.
I had a huge for me mental crash several weeks ago and I was feeling super shit as it happened after a simple cold turned into dehydration, so I was barely eating, had no energy, was constantly sick and was stuck to drinking water.
A few weeks have passed now and I’ve moved on from that low point somewhat were I have a happiness with me, but this happiness feels strange.
I am taking action on the changes I wrote about in a blog post, I am getting out a lot more as the good weather is here and things are happening in life.
The strange part of this is that a lot of what I am doing isn’t me, or at least it isn’t the me that I’ve known all my life, but it’s person that I’m becoming even if it’s still me underneath.
I have an exciting situation I got into where I feel like I’m the confident one between two people, as if I am taking the lead and not feeling any nerves about it. In the past I may not have went for it and even if I did I would have had nerves, not been as confident and certainly not felt like taking the lead.
I am finally getting a confidence to go and visit new places, travel on my own and for one of the two trips I’m taking I have meetups with a couple of people. Again in the past I’d have thought about going away but never acting on it, and then if I did go I wouldn’t have been in a situation were I’d have anyone to meet when I was away.
Related to the above is the fact I’m having conversations with people , in ways I never would have. with anyone before. It of course helps to know how I can be around certain people, but then I would have been more reserved in what I said, even if they were OK with certain people talking a certain way with them.
Even just with my blog, I am now beginning to be more confident with my pictures and I’m becoming a “True Exhibitionist” as someone said to me. There’s enjoyment from getting outdoors in the good weather but also there’s the confidence to get naked and take pictures as I’m out. Along side that is just my general feeling of being so much better at taking pics, even just simple morning ones for twitter, the end results are coming out a lot better and I think people can appreciate these more.
Finally and for me quite a nice one is the fact I’m starting to make time for my pansexual side IRL. I’m bringing it more to the front, trying to get it into my daily life subtly and just make it so that should the right time come I can be confident in telling people who I am but I also know I don’t need to do anything.
All these things are giving me happiness but It feels weird, strange and odd knowing that it’s ME. Is this really the same introverted, shy, reserved guy, yes it is the same guy but all of that is slowly fading away and being replaced by the person I always wanted to be but never was.
There is still moments when I feel bad/shit and I’m not going to say that low point has suddenly just vanished never to come back, but I’m enjoying the happiness, sharing the love and making the most of it.
When I started to think about creating this blog last year the one idea that kept coming back was about ME, how I had started to explore myself more and saw a change. I decided on the name adult exploration as a way to convey how I was continually exploring myself when I hadn’t done so in the past.
An early blog post I wrote detailed all of the above when I wondered who I was, and talked about a change in me.
Ever since starting the blog and writing that post, and particularly more recently, I’ve observed some of the things I say, the things I do and the way I react to myself. Through this observation, I realised I need to make a change, changes that might hopefully be for the better without changing who I ultimately am.
Firstly, I can’t change the past and what has or hasn’t happened, so instead of looking back and wishing things were different compared to others I have to look past it. Sure I might envy some of the things people have done and I’m fine doing so in a way, but other than that I should look at it as a goal or as inspiration for the future somewhat related to my next point below.
Secondly, like I did exploring my bi-curious side, I need to start acting more on things that I have a desire for. Not just sexually or relationship-wise, but other things I want to do but haven’t had the confidence like going on solo trips particularly further afield. I realise that I often think about things but never act and then I feel bad, so instead of putting things off, if I can do it then I need to jump right in head first and worry later like I did/do with work sometimes.
Lastly, I feel like I need to be more positive about myself. Yes, I will always have a day where I might feel anxious or unconfident about something, and that is fine, but for the most part, I shouldn’t let things bother me. I can be more confident in myself, yes I can do things no matter how they turn out and I should remember that what I see as not great in me or things I do is not always the same as what others see.
So what does this all mean then?
I need to be more confident in myself, knowing I can do things and see myself in a different light. I need to start doing more of the things I want, rather than just thinking of them and then nothing ever happening. I also need to see what others do as inspiration, just like I started this blog because I saw others participating in memes, posting pics and blogging which I realised I wanted to do, and with review writing, I had positive feedback so I felt like I could have a go and make it my own.
All these changes I do might not be big and they won’t change who I am but hopefully, they can be for the better and give me something(s) that I’ve been missing.