[January Jumpstart 2023] – The darkness within

CW: mental health and suicide

I sat there in silence feeling lost and alone except not of that was quite true.
Despite my silence I had a million and one loud thoughts going through my mind, I wasn’t alone being at a friends house with a group of local friend and I wasn’t lost as my own home was seconds away.

In my hand I gripped tightly a mobile phone that held messages to a friend, dark messages about what was going on with me that I didbn’t want my friends to see. Said friend was the only one to know, she was a fairly new friend but the first time I’d ever been close to a girl and it felt right that she new.

Growing up as a kid I struggled a lot because of a disabillity I had for which I got help in primary school. As I then entered my teens I got further help in high school.
My disabillity wasn’t the kind you would immediately notice just by looking at me or interacting with me, it ws because of this that I tried to lead a normal life as much as I could.

Unfortunately in trying to be normal coupled with the usual pressures as a teen led me to struggle even more. I was outwardly social as much as others, I wasnt the most confident and I didn’t know how to seek help when I needed it and so I was going through everyday life like a normal teen when I wasn’t quite that.

It was the above which affected me mentally, I ddn’t know what I was doing in life, where I was going and I felt less smart than I should have. I struggled in school somewhat, I did as best as I could with the help I got but my grades weren’t perfect for most classes so it affected me.

There was a couple of times I got beat up too which didn’t help me, it knocked my confidence down a notch, because here I was walking home from school, and was set upon but a group teens for no apparant reason. I was helpless and couldn’t do anything but just let myself get punched and kicked to the ground.

As I sat there with friends in silence it was at that stage all my negative feelings hit their peak.
I liked these friends but none were quite like me especially who I’d become in my teens, none had issues like I did and I never talked about things to them which is why I felt alone.

I felt lost because my direction in life wasn’t there, I didn’t know what I was doing or where I was going.
There was also this feeling as above of feeling not smart and at times useless because of my struggles and how I was in school.

I saw how others where and while I wanted to be myself, there was parts of others that I wished where part of me. I wanted to be more confident, more social and I wanted to be able to just do more without worrying.

It all eventually came to breaking point when I couldn’t take all the negatives in my mind, feeling like I’d had no way forward and no where to go. No one to turn to and a feeling of being on my own.

I planned how I might go, when was the right time where I’d be alone, and what I’d write in a note. I thought about how life might be better with me gone and what it might feel like. Where would I end up, some sort of heaven or hell.

As the time grew closer my newer friend who I’d become close to and who new what was going on had been texting me, making it clear that I shouldn’t do anything and that I had a lot to be here for. I was grateful for her messages and the more I got ready for the end the more I couldn’t do it.

I had a way out but It was dawning on me how it’d affect my family, and friends. I couldn’t bear making their life worse particularly family and specially the girl who was the only one to know.

We had become close and I started to develop amazing feelings for her so as I sat there I thought about how she knew what I was going through, took the time to message me a lot and cared enough to try and keep me here.

I thought about how she’d feel if I had gone, that she was unable to do anything to help, how her mental health might end up and that if it she struggled how it would be my own fault.

All these thought of how ending my life would affect others and knowing that someone cared for me ultimately stopped me from doing anything stupid. I hadn’t quite got to the point being ready to do anything there and then but I wasn’t far away from doing so.

I’d never felt so close to a girl before and never experienced any girl being mutually close to me that it became noticeable when we weer together with school friends. The fact she liked me and cared enough ti message me and be someone I could tell my dark thoughts to made me 100x more grateful to her.

We edned up dating for 7 months, I fell madly in love with her but after we parted I never really spioke to her and I am unsure what happend with her when my family moved a few months later.
Even to this day I’m grateful to her despite things not working out, I wonder where she is and oif she ever remembers what happened, does she know how grateful I am, does she ever think of me whether in a good way or bad way or am I a just a forgottrn part of her history having been and gone in a flash?

As I’m now an adult I have grown and become far better in accepting who I am, sure I still stress out become anxious, hved down periods even having a breakdiwn of sorts in 2021 but I haven’t come close to ever ending it all as I did in ther past.
I’ve never talked about my suicide situaion openly outisde of someone who’s become a best friend only within the last 15 years and didn’t know me before that.

I’ve never really spoken about it to family, the thought of how they might react and what might happen if I did was something I couldn’t face. I couldn’t explain my feelings at the time and didn’t want to have to go through it all again and have them upset.
I kept it to myself in the years afterwards, ocassionaly being remidned of it.

If you’ve seen me around on twitter, discord or anywhere, seen me interact with others or even ingteracted with me yourself then you will know I can be very kind and caring, it’s from all that could have happened that has remidnded me of ow I’ve felt in life and how bad it was. If I can post a positive comment, some csring words or just be someone nicce to interact with then I hope I can make someone happy because when others are the same to me I know I appreciate them and feel happy..

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