As I browsed non straight porn, looked at potential sex toys I may review and stared at a wordpress post editing page one late night, my mind suddenly stopped to think “Who am I”
Everything being done was normal, nothing out of the ordinary so to speak except it wasn’t me or at least the old version of myself.
Porn isn’t new to me, in fact I dread to think how much of it I have watched over the years, but in the past I’d have stuck to mostly straight porn.
The same goes for toys, I’m new to toys or even reviewing them, although younger me wouldn’t have considered using toys, and even when I did get into I never reviewed in the manner in which I have been doing recently, my reviews can be found here over at the Littleswitchbitch blog.
As for blogging, well again younger me wouldn’t have blogged, and even slightly older me would have had an idea to do it but never really committed himself to starting one.
“I thought I knew who I was”
I’ve always been a quiet kind of person, and never really though of myself as overly confident if at all, even though I’ve done some adventurous things in life, that some would say you’d need some kind of confidence to do.
My older teen/early 20s were stuck trying to be the person I thought I wanted to be, never straying too far out of my comfort zone and never being able to embrace new experiences like I am doing now. I thought I knew who I was and felt comfortable in myself, and what I was doing whilst shying away from things without really experiencing them enough.
“If I thought I knew who I was then I would only be half-right.”
If I thought I knew who I was then I would only be half-right. The basics like what type of music did I listen to, did I play video games, any hobbies I had, all of which were “me” but there was plenty beyond that which I had yet to fully experience, and therefore I didn’t realise just what part they would play in me becoming who I am and who I will be.
“Confidence, and a little bit of exploration was at play here.”
As I got older and certain things sadly changed in life, I then began to have the freedom to partake in adventurous life experiences more than I did before and this translated into my personal/sexual life too.
I started to want to explore sex-toys as a way to spice up my self-pleasure, and although I didn’t get comfortable with it from the get-go I did eventually, and so began my journey with toys, and even branching out into exploring prostate play.
I also questioned my sexuality and realised I was more than just straight, and in fact I considered myself bi-sexual to the point where I even engaged in same-sex sex which for me happened to be how I lost my virginity.
A little more confidence, and a little bit of exploration was at play here. I was starting to explore things more than I had, and my confidence to do so, was little by little increasing along with my comfort levels in what I was doing.
“The beginning of who I now really am?”
As I had become a lot more confident and comfortable I began to do more and even just having confidence to consider doing more. Is this the beginning of who I now really am?
I started to do the odd review of toys and started to move away from the inexperienced “just buy whatever is cheap or looks good” and actually understand what’s what, what might work for me and just make more informed decisions.
I also began to get a desire to blog, put my thoughts and feelings down online for people to read and see where it went. This never materialised until now but it was a start.
Although I may have not really explored my bisexuality any further I still considered bisexual as a good fit for me, though as of recently I’ve considered whether that still holds true or maybe a different term would be suitable as i’m attracted to more than the standard 2 sexes and may be limiting.
“It’s me, but it’s not me”
The person sitting at this computer, writing this post, It’s me, but it’s not me. There’s lots I still do that I did before, and plenty that I would never have even considered doing in the past.
I’ve began to explore myself more, experienced more and as much as that isn’t me, in 2020 and beyond it’s most certainly is me.
I’m not a different person, I haven’t suddenly become someone else but I am now older and more comfortable with who I am.
There me be slight alterations as I further explore and understand things I have yet to fully learn about but for the most part these are minor changes.
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